So the tickets to this Saturday’s Veg Ball are selling pretty fast and furious, but I thought I’d write one more blog post especially for the people who don’t usually attend these sorts of events: those who hate loud music; those for whom the prospect of dancing calls up nightmarish memories of sniggering classmates; those to whom weekends mean elastic waistbands and freedom from having to make conversation with strangers.

Personally, I sympathize with you guys. The last time I went to a club was ten years ago. It took a week for my hearing to return and I’ll forever be haunted by the knowledge that, had one more drunken reveller hugged me, I’d be serving life in prison for first degree murder.

But I also sympathize with your partners who really want to eat fancy treats in a fancy dress while wearing dangerously high heels and who would do so but for a scowling, jogging empansed, 5-o’clock-shadowed, mismatched-sock wearing killjoy.

So, this is my effort to convince my anti-ball brethren that they too will have fun at this awesome event.

Most obviously, there’s the food. The best of the best of Ottawa’s veg bakers and restaurants will be providing hors d’oeuvres and sweets. If you’re unfamiliar with vegan food and wonder if that means carrot sticks and apples, not to worry. This fare promises to make a proud and substantial contribution to your obligatory five pounds of holiday weight.

Second, there’s the music. DJ Sweetcheeks is a club man to the core, and the dancy people have insisted that a certain minimum volume is necessary for a pleasurable dancing experience (they apparently really enjoy cupping their hands behind their ears and yelling “WHAT?” back and forth while they dance).

However, at my curmudgeonly insistence, they have equipped the room with quieter zones for sitting, eating, relaxing and chatting with all your new friends.

Morever, Mr. Sweetcheeks is apparently more than happy to take requests. Lots of people have already made them via the event’s facebook page. Feel free to do the same, or just bring a list of your faves with you when you come. And don’t worry if they completely suck. You bought your ticket like everyone else and you have the right to hear your tunes. Well, within reason. Like, not Justin Bieber or anything else that will actually draw blood from the eardrums and drive our other guests to gibbering insanity.

So, I hope this post will serve as the metaphorical forklift required to haul unwilling partners off of couches and up the stairs of the Montgomery Legion to what promises to be an awesome Veg Ball.

See you there!