Why Your Smoothies Suck

When I wrote that plea to Mike Zigomanis to speak at Vegfest, I promised that, in return, I would tell him the secret to making great smoothies.

Photo by flikr user olgucz

I also said I wasn’t going to tell the rest of you. But then I realized my priorities were out of whack; prostituting my culinary secrets to celebrities while leaving my own beloved Ottawa veggies to choke down their crap-tasting smoothies. Very unvegan behavior.

So I’ve decided to spill the beans.

Here goes:

Get out your hand blender and put all of the following ingredients into a large cylindrical container. Old pickle jars work great. You can also use a regular blender if you’re into the whole quaintly backwards thing.

-1 banana
-1.5 cups soy milk or other non-dairy milk of your choice. Except hemp. I mean guys, it’s gross. It just is. Accept it.
-1 cup frozen fruit of your choice. Strawberries and mangoes work best, followed by peaches and raspberries (if you don’t mind the seeds). Blueberries and blackberries are not as good so, if you’re using them, throw in some of the better fruits.
-Add a scoop of Vega if you’re into health and don’t mind the taste of dirt.

photo by Flikr user VegaTeam

Now whiz it all up with your hand blender. Using a brisk an up and down motion breaks up the fruit faster and makes for a smoother smoothie. Just try not to think too much about what you look like while doing it. Regular blender people, turn on your blender and look confused while the blade whizzes pointlessly as the fruit sits unscathed on top.

Now have a taste.

It sucks, right? You’re contemplating adding sugar, but you figure if you do that you might as well just have the piece of coffee cake you really wanted for breakfast. You’re ready to run off to Booster Juice where the “I know something you don’t know” look on the juice-ista kid’s face would make you dump your smoothie on his head if it hadn’t just cost you ten bucks.

Well don’t worry. We’re going to stick it to the little bastard together. Because I’m going to tell you how to transform that bland, vaguely fruit flavoured gruel into a fountain of guilt-free milkshake-like glory.

First, get a bottle of this.

If you get some on your fingers, you'll be tempted to lick it off. Don't.

And when I say get a bottle of this, I don’t mean a bottle of stevia. I mean this stevia specifically. NOW brand liquid stevia extract (not glycerate). The other brands have a fraction of the sweetness, and often a nasty aftertaste.

Now add approximately 10 drops to your smoothie.

Second. Get a good pinch of salt and throw that in too.

photo by Flikr user mollyjade

Now whiz everything up again (regular blender people, your fruit may have melted enough by now for it to work).

Now taste again.

Doesn’t suck anymore, right? Well, it shouldn’t. If it does, add another couple of drops of stevia and/or another dash of salt. Repeat until the magical transformation occurs. I promise it will.

Happy blending everyone!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s